Too Many Meetings
by The Snowballer
Summary: Dozens of Elrond's daughters, along with scores of assorted other Mary-Sues, arrive in Rivendell on the day of the Council of Elrond. Will they be welcomed with open arms and asked to join the Fellowship? Nope. Warning: contains Figwit.
1. Ada!

_A/N: Huge thankyou to my pal Naomi for beta-ing and for keeping me motivated and inspired._

_Disclaimer: all the good characters here are Tolkien's. The Mary-Sues are mostly parodies of other people's OCs. Figwit probably belongs to Bret McKenzie, or maybe to New Line, I'm not too sure. He's not mine, anyway._

1.

"Ada!"

Elrond glared at the girl who stood in front of him. She had raven-black hair that fell in waves down to the small of her back. Her eyes were roughly the colour of the sky on a cloudy day. She wore a long blue velvet dress which was just about covered in jewels. Around her neck hung an amulet which was shining brightly.

"Who are you?" he asked sternly.

"I'm Ellarinea, daughter of Aleni." Elrond looked blank. "You are my father. I have come to Rivendell because I sense a great evil."

"I'm sorry," said Elrond, "But you've confused me with someone else." He sidestepped the girl and continued walking, lost in meditation. Soon he was interrupted again.

"Ada!" said a girl, stepping in front of him. It took Elrond a moment to realise this wasn't the same girl. Although she was similar, this one had eyes which were closer to the colour of the ocean. Also, HER amulet wasn't so much shining as it was shooting rainbows and sparkles. Elrond chose to push past her without saying anything.

"Ada, it's me, Lorella! I forgive you for abandoning me all those years ago!" she said. When she realised Elrond wasn't listening she pouted with her full lips.

Elrond realised there was something seriously amiss when he turned a corner into a courtyard and found himself amongst dozens of girls.

"Ada!" shouted a few of them upon seeing him. Elrond searched the crowd of faces, looking for a familiar one. There were Elves, mortal women, and a few female Halflings with suspiciously small and hairless feet. A tall and slender Elf with silver hair and green eyes approached him.

"Lord Elrond, I have been searching for you! Many years ago I was captured by Orcs and kept as a slave in Mordor. I escaped only yesterday, and now seek refuge in Rivendell."

Elrond was about to ask how she'd got from Mordor to Rivendell in one day, but thought better of it.

He turned away from the Elf, and saw a thin blond girl dressed in rags, sitting on the ground crying, and talking to nobody in particular.

"Oh, woe is me, my entire family have been killed by the Nazgul and now all I have left is this sword, and this necklace. And this magic crystal ball which allows me to speak directly to my father's spirit."

Suddenly, Elrond saw Aragorn forcing his way through the crowd.

"What's going on?" Elrond asked, "Where have all these girls come from?"

"We don't know," said Aragorn, leading Elrond away from the hoard of women. But they seemed to be everywhere now.

"How many of them ARE there?!"

"I counted a hundred and ninety earlier, but more keep appearing. I'd estimate there are close to four hundred now. And a large number of them claim to be your daughters. I never realised you had so many!"

"One," said Elrond. "I have one daughter. These people are mistaken or are trying to deceive us." He lowered his voice. "I knew having the Ring in Rivendell could bring great evil here, but I never realised..." He was interrupted by a scream as Frodo ran past them, pursued by two young, pretty, female hobbits.

"Elrond, how are we supposed to have a secret council today when we are overrun like this?" asked Aragorn.

"I don't know."

Suddenly, with a puff of smoke, a girl wearing Jeans and a Blink-182 T-shirt appeared before them. She had shoulder-length honey-coloured hair and grey eyes, but asides from that, she looked the same as all the others.

"Like, oh my god, the last thing I remember, I was walking home, and I tripped over a tree root, and now I'm here? Where the hell am I, anyway? And who are you?"

"I am Lord Elrond. You are in Rivendell. Please leave," said Elrond. The strangely-dressed woman looked at him perplexedly.

"Oh... my... god! My mom always said my dad was killed in a drive-by shooting, but looking at you now I can feel in my heart that YOU are my real father! That totally explains my weird pointy ears!"

Ignoring Elrond's latest daughter, Aragorn spotted Figwit, Legolas' loyal companion, coming towards them, looking slightly baffled.

"Figwit! Do you have any idea what's going on?"

"Not a clue," said Figwit

"Where's Legolas?" asked Elrond. It was unusual to see the two of them apart.

"He accidentally cut the tip of his finger whilst combing his hair. Don't worry, though, twenty-three of your daughters are tending to his wound. Aragorn, why have you never mentioned that you have a twin sister... or rather, two twin sisters?" He pointed in the direction he had just come from. Aragorn saw that standing there were two dark women dressed in black leather armour. Both of them were very muscular whilst somehow still managing to look slender. One carried a sword, the other a bow.

"I don't have a twin sister," said Aragorn, "Not even one!"

"Oh, and that pale girl standing in the shadows behind them introduced herself to me as Eirka, said she was looking for her father, 'Gandolf'. I told her that made no sense whatsoever, and she started sulking," said Figwit.

"I think there's something foul afoot," said Elrond to Aragorn and Figwit, "We should go somewhere private to discuss this."

They searched for what seemed like hours to find somewhere not infested with odd out-of-place women. The only such room they could find was the bedchamber that Gimli had been using.

After making sure the door was bolted fast, Elrond, Aragorn and Figwit tried in vain to work out what was going on.

"None of them have a story which is plausible. I think it's safe to say they are not who they say they are," said Elrond.

"Whoever they are, we cannot deal with them now. They are a distraction, a diversion from the true evil which hangs over our heads," said Aragorn.

Suddenly a mist formed in the corner of the room. The figure of a woman appeared in the mist. She was tall and slim, with straight dark hair down to her waist. As the figure became solid, they saw that she had bright violet eyes and pointed ears. She was dressed in red velvet, and the Evenstar jewel hung around her neck. Aragorn frowned at her.

"Father!" she said to him.

"No," said Aragorn, "I have no children."

"Get out," said Elrond angrily.

"You don't understand. My name is Araenne. I am the daughter of Aragorn and Arwen..."

"Get. Out."

"... I have been sent back from the future to help you destroy the One Ring. I can swordfight better than Daddy, and..."

"GET! OUT!" yelled Elrond. Figwit unbolted and opened the door. Aragorn firmly shoved Araenne out.

Before they slammed the door shut on her, they heard her ask: "Um, is Legolas around here anywhere?"

"We cannot hold the council in Rivendell while there are so many of those... things here. They could be spies from Sauron or Saruman. We cannot trust them under any circumstances. I worry they may try to corrupt or warp the minds of good people here. They have to go."

"Give me weapons," said Figwit seriously, "And I'll get rid of them."

"You'd kill them?" asked Elrond.

"If you wish me to. Not only are those people implausible and evil, they are also annoying."


	2. The Mass Slaughter

_A/N: yes, I've used movieverse dialogue for the Council scene, and I deserve to die a million deaths for that. I can only justify it by saying that I would have no idea how a Mary-Sue would react in the Council of Elrond as it was in the book... since I've yet to read such a Sue-fic._

_Also, a movie-style Council scene helps justify Figwit's being in the story, and that's pretty central to the plot of this little fiction._

_Thanks to Naomi for giving me the onomatopoeia "fwing". The story wouldn't have been half as amusing (to me, anyway) without that._

2.

Very soon, Figwit had been kitted out with a bow and a quiver full of arrows.

"Remember," said Elrond, "Ask them who they are. If they tell you anything even slightly unconvincing, shoot without hesitation. If the arrow's not broken, salvage it, or we'll probably run out before all those... women... are dead."

"Who are you?" asked Figwit of a she-elf he had cornered,

"Princess Katrina of Gavellar," said the girl

"What are you doing here?" asked Figwit

"The voices in my head told me to come to Rivendell to help fight a Great Evil."

_Fwing_ went Figwit's bow as he shot an arrow into her heart.

-

"Who are you?" he asked a chestnut-haired half-elf

"I am Lady Laera! Elrond's long-lost daughter!" said the girl.

_Fwing._

-

"Who are you?" he asked a blond woman.

"Elaviel Undomeil. Boromir's fiancee."

_Fwing._

-

"Who are you?" he asked a young, dark-haired girl with glasses and an unusual scar on her forehead

"Harriet Potter," she said. Figwit blinked. "I'm a witch. From Hogwarts. I cast a spell and ended up here."

_Fwing._

-

"Who are you?"

"Princess..."

_Fwing._

-

A short while later, Elrond caught up with Figwit as he was adding a dead, but pretty, female hobbit to the large pile of corpses he'd made.

"How many have you killed so far?" Elrond asked

"Four hundred and twenty-seven. I don't think there's many left now."

"Of those, how many of them claimed to be my daughters? I only ask out of curiosity."

"One hundred and fifty-two."

"Ada!" came a voice from behind them. Figwit spun round, bow aimed. He found himself staring at a beautiful, slender elf, with pale skin and cascading dark hair. Her grey eyes sparkled like the stars. She was heading towards Elrond.

"Who are you?" said Figwit.

"For Eru's sake, Figwit, lower your bow!" said Elrond, as his daughter stared in shock.

"Oh. Forgive me, Lady Arwen."

"Forgiven," she muttered. Then, to Elrond, she said, "Ada, Elrohir is in trouble. He is trapped in his bedchamber, as there is a young elf and a beautiful mortal woman fighting outside. They both claim to be his fiancee, and I fear they might kill each other!"

"Not if I get there first, they won't." said Figwit, sprinting off.

_Fwing. Fwing._

Eventually, it seemed all those who were not supposed to be in Rivendell had been slain. And so, a little later than planned, the Council of Elrond started.

Figwit kept his bow hidden under his robes in case any more strange females should arrive during the meeting. It turned out this was a wise precaution.

Just as everyone was getting seated, a beautiful pure white horse rode up. Upon it sat a figure hidden by a black silk cloak. The figure dismounted, and revealed her face to the council. She was a stunning elf-maiden, with golden locks and electric blue eyes.

"Lord Elrond, I received your message, and came as soon as I could. I shall help you decide the fate of the ring."

"Elrond, did you send invitations out?"

"Absolutely not!" said Elrond.

_Fwing._

No less than six more maidens arrived during the first few minutes of the council. All rode beautiful steeds and were cloaked. The colour of said cloaks varied from black to very very very dark purple. Figwit shot the last two without even waiting for them to dismount.

For a while, there were no more. Elrond began to relax, and so did the rest of the council. Then they remembered that there was another evil that needed to be dealt with, and they all tensed again.

"Bring forth the Ring, Frodo Baggins," said Elrond. But even as these words left his lips was he interrupted. From an unseen place in the shadows, a vision of Elvish beauty appeared and faced the council.

She was tall and slim, with flawless, pale, almost translucent skin. Her curly hair came to just above her ankles, and was fiery red, but with natural streaks of black and silver.

Her eyes were a glowing green, the colour of grass on a summer's day. There was a nasty-looking gash on her right arm, which she was clutching with her left hand.

As the elf opened her mouth to speak, the council saw that her canine teeth were long and pointed, like fangs.

"I am Nisinariellinea Rahnne Moonstarshine, Princess of the lost realm of Vejimyte, but you can call me Nissa," she said "and I am the only being who can save Middle Earth from doom."

"Kill her, Figwit."

Figwit drew his bow and shot at her. But the arrow stopped in mid-air inches before hitting her, and fell to the ground, broken.

"You cannot harm me," she said, her eyes flashing red for a moment, "For I have cast a protection spell upon myself. I do apologise for being late, but tragically, my unicorn was slain on my way here, and I've had to run the last thirty miles." Suddenly, she caught sight of Lord Elrond. "Ada?" she said. Elrond put his head in his hands and started to weep in frustration. Then Legolas piped up.

"My Lord, perhaps we should ignore it, and it might go away." And since none of the council had any better ideas, this is what they did. But it wasn't easy.

"Soooooo..." said Boromir, returning his attention to the Ring, "It is true."

"My arm hurts," said Nissa, "But I shall survive it, for I am strong." Boromir tried to block out her voice.

"Why not use this Ring? Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor, kept the forces of Mordor at bay by the blood of our people are your lands kept safe. Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against him!"

"Are you talking about the ring of power? I have one of those," said Nissa, holding up her hand to show the elaborate ring she was wearing. "The twenty-first ring of power. Sauron himself gave it to me."

"You cannot wield it." said Aragorn to Boromir. "None of us can. The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master."

"And what would a Ranger know of this matter?" asked Boromir, his voice full of spite.

"This is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance."

"Aragorn? This is Isildur's heir?"

"And heir to the throne of Gondor," said Nissa, nodding in agreement. Legolas couldn't help but glare.

"Quiet, princess," hissed Aragorn.

"Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king!" exclaimed Boromir.

"Aragorn is right." said Gandalf "We cannot use it."

"I know your futures," said Nissa, "And what would happen to each of you if you fell under the spell of the ring."

And so the council continued, with everyone trying their best to ignore Nissa's interruptions. She was just an added annoyance when everyone's tempers were frayed already. A row broke, and, for a small time at least, Nissa sat in silence until, at last, Frodo had announced that he would be willing to take the ring to Mordor.

"I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins. As long as it is yours to bear," said Gandalf.

"If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword."

"And my bow."

"And my axe."

"And my knives."

"I'm sorry, you disillusioned girl, but you're not going on the quest," Boromir said, unable to ignore her this time. Nissa fumed.

"You think I should not accompany Frodo because you assume I cannot fight? Because I am female? Perhaps I should give you a demonstration of my skill?" said Nissa, grasping the hilt of one of her many concealed knives.

"I do not doubt your fighting skill, woman. The reason you won't be going along is that you're inherently irritating and none of the council trust you."

Princess Nisinariellinea started to sob.

"You hate me, I know. Everybody hates me! It's been the same all my life! Ever since my foster-father raped me..."

"You were raped?" asked Aragorn.

"Yes," sobbed the princess.

"Then how are you alive? I didn't think most Elves could survive that."

"Well, um... I'm only four fifths Elf... I'm a fifth Hobbit, so that could make me able to survive," a small amount of smoke was starting to seep from Nissa's pores.

"A fifth Hobbit?" asked Elrond "How can that be?"

"Well, um, my mother was a quarter hobbit, so, err..." The smoke was starting to surround Nissa now, and she coughed.

"So, err, what?" asked Gimli, "Tell me, how can you be a fifth anything?"

Nissa squirmed.

"The Logic! IT BURNS US!"

"And what's the twenty-first ring of power, anyway?" asked Figwit, "I could have sworn there were only twenty forged."

"And why didn't the protection spell save you from whatever injured your arm?" asked Boromir

"I'm meeeeeeeelting! MEEEEEEELTING!" screamed Nissa. And as the council mercilessly pointed out more and more flaws in the Princess' character, she slowly turned into a puddle of steaming purple goo, which quickly evaporated.

"How strangely satisfying," said Elrond.

-

And that is how Rivendell survived the invasion of Mary-Sues. But not all of their kind was gone. Not quite. One remained, and this one would never be caught.

Figwit Melpomaen, the greatest archer in all the land, sat alone. He gently pushed his long, shining dark hair out of his face. With his large, deep, sorrow-filled eyes he watched over Rivendell.

He prayed a silent prayer that nobody would ever discover his dark secret. And they never did.

**The End.**


End file.
